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02 18

千万不要与你的朋友,分享离婚经验

  • 发布日期: 2019-02-18

“今天得知一个朋友离婚了。这是我和丈夫认识的朋友里,第一对离婚的。听说还有几对也一直吵着过不下去了,不知道会不会成真……不知怎么的,我突然觉得离婚可能会像流感一样泛滥起来,甚至有一天会影响到我的婚姻。”这是《生命时报》编辑部近日收到的一封读者来信,诉说了朋友的婚姻对自己的影响。
 
"Today I learned that a friend was divorced. This is the first divorce between my husband and me. I heard that there are still a few couples who have been quarrelling. I don't know if it will come true. Somehow, I suddenly felt that divorce might spread like flu, and even one day it might affect my marriage. This is a letter from a reader recently received by the editorial office of the Life Times about the impact of a friend's marriage on himself.
 
 
 
美国著名性学杂志《红书》在研究“离婚现象”时就曾发现,不少夫妇会因为朋友的离异,而对自己的婚姻产生怀疑,甚至有人会步入朋友的后尘。美国婚姻咨询专家对此提出,听到朋友离婚后,可以劝他/她不要伤心,但不要过问其分手的原因,更不要比照自己的婚姻状况对号入座,尤其是女性要格外注意这一点。
 
When the famous American sexology magazine Red Book studied the phenomenon of divorce, it was found that many couples would doubt their marriage because of the divorce of their friends, and even some would step into the dust of their friends. American marriage counseling experts suggest that after hearing about a friend's divorce, they can advise him or her not to be sad, but don't ask about the reasons for his or her breakup, let alone take a seat according to his or her marital status, especially women should pay special attention to this point.
 
 
 
两成美国人受朋友离异影响
 
Twenty percent of Americans are affected by friends'divorce
 
 
 
据了解,受朋友影响而离婚的情况,在美国时有发生,占到所有离婚的近两成。但它大多发生在那些“七年之痒的无子女一族”中,其中又以上世纪七八十年代出生的人为主。
 
It is understood that divorce under the influence of friends occurs from time to time in the United States, accounting for nearly 20% of all divorces. But it mostly happens in the "seven-year itch of childless people", which were mainly born in the 1970s and 1980s.
 
 
 
人口学家认为,美国“婴儿潮”(即上世纪七八十年代)后出生的人,从小享受高物质生活,没有遭受过苦难、挫折。一方面,他们以自我为中心,不关心他人,另一方面又过分依赖亲人朋友,表现出虚弱的社会群体特征,往往社交圈子狭窄,能说贴心话的好朋友并不多。因此朋友的经历、喜怒哀乐,甚至婚姻状况都对其影响很大。
 
Demographers believe that people born after the "baby boom" (i.e., the 1970s and 1980s) in the United States have enjoyed a high material life from an early age without suffering or setbacks. On the one hand, they are self-centered, do not care about others, on the other hand, they rely too much on relatives and friends, showing weak social group characteristics, often narrow social circles, can say intimate good friends are not many. Therefore, the experience of friends, happiness, anger, sadness and even marital status have a great impact on it.
 
 
 
此外,人们常说,孩子是家庭的纽带。孩子出生后,女性思考问题的角度就会发生转变,有时会将更多的注意力转移到他们身上,这样能削弱外界影响。同时,当婚姻出现问题时,父母为了给孩子提供一个比较好的成长环境,会积极寻求解决方法,这样也能避免悲剧发生。
 
In addition, it is often said that children are family ties. After the birth of a child, women's perspective of thinking changes, sometimes shifting more attention to them, which can weaken external influence. At the same time, when problems arise in marriage, parents will actively seek solutions in order to provide a better environment for their children to grow up, which can also avoid tragedies.
 
 
 
劝别人但别放在心上
 
Counsel others but don't take it personally
 
 
 
朱莉娅和丈夫泰德结婚多年,一直是旁人眼中的“模范夫妻”。好友离婚前,跟朱莉娅抱怨了很久:丈夫不够细心、不体贴;结婚时间越长,越发现两人在很多问题上观点不统一……朱莉娅一边附和着朋友的哭诉,一边开始在自己丈夫泰德的身上找差距,而且越想越觉得不对劲。不久之后,朱莉娅令人艳羡的婚姻也宣告终结。
 
Julia and her husband Ted, who have been married for many years, have always been the "model couple" in the eyes of others. Before the divorce, my friend complained to Julia for a long time: her husband was not careful and considerate enough; the longer the marriage lasted, the more they found that they had different opinions on many issues... Julia, echoing her friend's cries, began to find a gap in her husband Ted, and the more she thought about it, the more she felt wrong. Shortly afterwards, Julia's enviable marriage came to an end.
 
 
 
 
美国婚姻专家建议说,听闻朋友离婚后,不应拿自己的丈夫或妻子做不恰当的类比。尤其不要从负面去考察自己的配偶。相反,首先要反省自己结婚后,为维持婚姻做过些什么。比如,刚结婚时,能牢记对方的喜好,每到节日会给他/她买一些礼物。但多年过去了,是否还记得当时的浪漫。其次,多想想配偶的优点,而不是拿朋友配偶的缺点来进行对比,列举他的劣迹。
 
American marriage experts advise that after hearing about a friend's divorce, you should not make an inappropriate analogy with your husband or wife. Especially don't look at your spouse negatively. On the contrary, we should first reflect on what we have done to maintain our marriage after we got married. For example, when you first get married, you can remember each other's preferences and buy him or her some gifts every festival. But after many years, do you remember the romance at that time? Secondly, think about the strengths of your spouse, rather than comparing the weaknesses of your friend's spouse and enumerating his weaknesses.
 
 
 
婚姻专家还建议,应做到“三要、三不要”:要多回忆爱人对自己的关心和爱,学会感恩;要珍重爱情、家庭、婚姻的价值,学会珍惜对方;要多给对方关怀和体贴,学会去爱。但是不要猜疑;不要只想负面影响;最重要的是,不要轻率决定。
 
Marriage experts also suggest that "three essentials, three not": to recall the love and care of their lover, learn to be grateful; to cherish the value of love, family, marriage, learn to cherish each other; to give each other more care and consideration, learn to love. But don't be suspicious; don't just think about negative effects; and most importantly, don't make rash decisions.
 
 
 
中国夫妻,受父母影响更大
 
Chinese couples are more influenced by their parents
 
 
 
上海知音心理咨询机构主任王裕如则表示,只有那些婚姻已经出现问题的人,才会受别人的影响,因为在此之前,裂痕已经出现,且婚姻的基础,即相互信任,已经不存在了。
 
Wang Yuru, director of Shanghai Zhiyin Psychological Consulting Agency, said that only those whose marriages had problems would be affected by others, because before that, cracks had arisen and the basis of marriage, namely mutual trust, had disappeared.
 
 
 
中国夫妻受朋友影响较少,反倒受父母影响很大,这和传统的家庭观念有关。因此,父母应以身作则,避免给孩子造成不良影响。
 
Chinese couples are less influenced by their friends, but more influenced by their parents, which is related to traditional family concepts. Therefore, parents should set an example to avoid harmful effects on their children.
 
 


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