"Today I learned that a friend was divorced. This is the first divorce between my husband and me. I heard that there are still a few couples who have been quarrelling. I don't know if it will come true. Somehow, I suddenly felt that divorce might spread like flu, and even one day it might affect my marriage. This is a letter from a reader recently received by the editorial office of the Life Times about the impact of a friend's marriage on himself.
When the famous American sexology magazine Red Book studied the phenomenon of divorce, it was found that many couples would doubt their marriage because of the divorce of their friends, and even some would step into the dust of their friends. American marriage counseling experts suggest that after hearing about a friend's divorce, they can advise him or her not to be sad, but don't ask about the reasons for his or her breakup, let alone take a seat according to his or her marital status, especially women should pay special attention to this point.
Twenty percent of Americans are affected by friends'divorce
It is understood that divorce under the influence of friends occurs from time to time in the United States, accounting for nearly 20% of all divorces. But it mostly happens in the "seven-year itch of childless people", which were mainly born in the 1970s and 1980s.
Demographers believe that people born after the "baby boom" (i.e., the 1970s and 1980s) in the United States have enjoyed a high material life from an early age without suffering or setbacks. On the one hand, they are self-centered, do not care about others, on the other hand, they rely too much on relatives and friends, showing weak social group characteristics, often narrow social circles, can say intimate good friends are not many. Therefore, the experience of friends, happiness, anger, sadness and even marital status have a great impact on it.
In addition, it is often said that children are family ties. After the birth of a child, women's perspective of thinking changes, sometimes shifting more attention to them, which can weaken external influence. At the same time, when problems arise in marriage, parents will actively seek solutions in order to provide a better environment for their children to grow up, which can also avoid tragedies.
Counsel others but don't take it personally
Julia and her husband Ted, who have been married for many years, have always been the "model couple" in the eyes of others. Before the divorce, my friend complained to Julia for a long time: her husband was not careful and considerate enough; the longer the marriage lasted, the more they found that they had different opinions on many issues... Julia, echoing her friend's cries, began to find a gap in her husband Ted, and the more she thought about it, the more she felt wrong. Shortly afterwards, Julia's enviable marriage came to an end.
American marriage experts advise that after hearing about a friend's divorce, you should not make an inappropriate analogy with your husband or wife. Especially don't look at your spouse negatively. On the contrary, we should first reflect on what we have done to maintain our marriage after we got married. For example, when you first get married, you can remember each other's preferences and buy him or her some gifts every festival. But after many years, do you remember the romance at that time? Secondly, think about the strengths of your spouse, rather than comparing the weaknesses of your friend's spouse and enumerating his weaknesses.
Marriage experts also suggest that "three essentials, three not": to recall the love and care of their lover, learn to be grateful; to cherish the value of love, family, marriage, learn to cherish each other; to give each other more care and consideration, learn to love. But don't be suspicious; don't just think about negative effects; and most importantly, don't make rash decisions.
Chinese couples are more influenced by their parents
Wang Yuru, director of Shanghai Zhiyin Psychological Consulting Agency, said that only those whose marriages had problems would be affected by others, because before that, cracks had arisen and the basis of marriage, namely mutual trust, had disappeared.
Chinese couples are less influenced by their friends, but more influenced by their parents, which is related to traditional family concepts. Therefore, parents should set an example to avoid harmful effects on their children.